Defenders of the Earth
by Ebiris
Summary: The Sailor Senshi are all dead, so four ex villians step forward to protect the peace. But do Eudial, Zoicite, Tigers Eye and Aluminium Siren have what it takes? Or will they wind up killing each other?
1. Chapter 1

Author Notes: I really don't know what posessed me to write this, I must be losing my   
mind. I wonder if anyone even remembers that cartoon...  
  
Defenders of the Earth  
Chapter 1  
A New Hope!  
  
Defenders of the Earth! (Defenders!)  
  
Straight off the road  
Her engines ignite!  
She drives into battle  
Racing faster than light!  
Eudial!  
  
Lord of the Circus  
The hero who stalks!  
The Tigers call him brother  
The ghost who walks!  
Tigers Eye!  
  
Defenders of the Earth! (Defenders!)  
  
Master of magic  
Spells and illusion!  
His gender can often  
lead to confusion!  
Zoicite!  
  
Her appetite is a legend  
Her politeness conquers all!  
When Crow's not around  
She's gonna have a ball!  
Siren!  
  
Defenders of the Earth!  
  
***  
  
Eudial sat under an oak tree as she read her book. The air was warm, but a refreshing   
cool breeze was blowing so it didn't become too uncomfortable. She smiled contentedly.   
Hell wasn't that bad after all.  
  
Of course the absolute best thing was, as she had learned from Tellu who had arrived a   
few weeks after herself, that Mimette would never reach the afterlife, as she was trapped   
forever within Eudials computer system. The universe was not without a sense of justice.  
  
  
A shadow fell over her, and Eudial discreetly reached for the Fire Buster mk III as she   
looked up. Some of Hell's residents were considerably less than friendly after all. As she   
saw her visitor, her eyes widened in startled recognition "You!"  
  
***  
  
Eudial had been brought to a small room. It looked rather like a doctors waiting room,   
from the crappy plastic chairs to the five year old magazines on the table. The room was   
also occupied by three other people.   
  
A handsome man with voluminous blonde hair looked at Eudial as she entered, and she   
could feel him mentally undressing her.  
  
A woman about Eudial's age with very long blue hair, who seemed engrossed in an issue   
of 'Good Housekeeping' from the eighties.  
  
And lastly, an extremely effeminate man, who was doing his best to act as if the other   
two didn't exist.  
  
"Okay, now that everyone is here, I can explain the situation." said Sailor Pluto as she   
indicated for Eudial to sit with the others.  
  
"It's about time. You've kept us here for hours." Said a very miffed Zoicite "There's no   
telling what Kunzite will be up to without me to keep an eye on him."  
  
"I like it here. It's given me a chance to catch up on my reading." Sailor Aluminium   
Siren smiled brightly, then on seeing Eudial, she extended her hand "Nice to meet you,   
I'm Sailor Aluminium Siren. I'd give you a business card, but I seem to have misplaced   
them."  
  
"Er.. Hello. I'm Eudial." The red haired woman replied, hesitantly shaking her hand.  
  
"Yes it is a pleasure to meet such a beautiful woman..." Tigers Eye said before kissing   
her hand.  
  
Siren giggled and batted Tigers Eye's arm "You're so bad Tiger-chan!"  
  
Tigers Eye looked slightly miffed at that particular term of endearment, but refrained   
from saying anything.  
  
Pluto coughed impatiently "Could I have your attention? Please." Everyone turned to   
regard the guardian of time so she continued "The reason I've assembled you four is   
because, aside from myself, all of the Sailor Senshi are dead."  
  
A collective gasp issued from the four ex-villians. The Sailor Senshi had defeated all of   
their most nefarious plans. Whomever had killed them had to be powerful indeed. "How   
did they die?" Zoicite asked, seeming interested for the first time since arriving.  
  
Pluto seemed a bit embarrased. "Well... Sailors Jupiter, Mars and Venus all died in a   
bizaare gardening accident..."  
  
"Bizaare gardening accident?" Zoicite repeated incredulously.  
  
"Well... it was rather mysterious... the police decided it was best to just leave it alone..."   
Pluto shuffled her feet as she spoke. "As for Sailors Uranus and Neptune... er... they were   
electrocuted in the bath."  
  
"In the bath..." Tigers Eye arched an eyebrow "Together?"  
  
"Um, yes... they were making toast and the toaster fell in..." Pluto exhaled sharply and   
decided to press on "Sailor Mercury spontaneusly combusted during a chemistry exam,   
Sailor Saturn was mauled by wild dogs and Sailor Moon choked on someone else's   
vomit."  
  
"Someone else's vomit?" Eudial looked aghast.  
  
Sailor Pluto scratched the back of her head "Well... we're not sure, I mean you can't   
exactly dust for vomit can you?"  
  
"What about cape boy?" Zoicite asked, while struggling to contain his mirth.  
  
"Hit by a bus." Pluto replied snappily.  
  
"This is all very amusing - I mean tragic, but what does it have to do with us?" Eudial   
asked.  
  
"Well... it's going to be a while before they get reincarnated, so someone has to protect   
the Earth. I can't do it because I'm stuck at the Time Gate, so you've been chosen. You'll   
be brought back to life of course." Pluto outlined her proposal.  
  
"Why should I care?" Zoicite sneered "I'm perfectly happy in hell with Kunzite. I'm not   
going to leave him so I can protect the earth. It's none of my concern."  
  
Pluto grinned. She had expected this. "Actually, Kunzite has been behaving himself so   
well he might get transferred to heaven... I hear there's lots of pretty girls there..."  
  
Zoicite bolted to his feet "What?! He'd be so tempted without me to watch him! This is   
outrageous, you can't do this!"  
  
Pluto pretended to study her nails disinterestedly. Then she remembered she was wearing   
gloves so stopped. "It's out of my hands... Of course, if you do this then I might put in a   
word or two about keeping him in hell."  
  
Zoicite slumped back to his chair in defeat. "Fine." He said resignedly.  
  
"Good." Pluto nodded "What about the rest of you?"  
  
Tigers Eye hesitantly raised his hand "Ano... I thought I wasn't dead... I mean, didn't   
Pegasus bring me back to life so I could live in Elysion?"  
  
"Nope, you died. Pegasus just lied about it so as not to confront Chibi Usa with the harsh   
realities of life and death." Pluto told him "Sorry." She added as an afterthought,   
sounding anything but.  
  
"Oh..." Tigers Eye wasn't sure what to do about this new information "Okay, I guess I'll   
sign up."  
  
"What about me?" Siren raised her hand "I thought I was going to come back to life as   
Sailor Mermaid after Galaxia-sama returned all the star seeds."  
  
"True." Pluto conceded the point "But she won't get round to restoring your planet for at   
least a decade, so you're still dead until then."  
  
"Okay." Siren said brightly "Then I'll be happy to help in any way I can!"  
  
"That just leaves you Eudial," Pluto turned to the scientist "How about it?"  
  
Eudial chuckled slightly. She highly doubted the abilities of this motley band, but she   
was curious as to just how things would turn out. After all, the worst that could happen   
would be dying again. "Sure you can count me in."  
  
***  
  
After agreeing to Pluto's proposal, the four would be superheroes were brought out of the   
wating room and taken to the check in station. "King Enma will return you to life in a   
little while." The last remaining Sailor Senshi of Earth said.  
  
This had the effect of earning the group a series of dirty looks from the recently deceased   
who were awaiting their place in the afterlife. "How do they get to go back to life?" One   
old man wheezed.  
  
"Yeah, I didn't want to die!" A young man who looked like he had been through a grain   
thresher complained.  
  
"Shut up deaders!" A large red ogre clubbed the pair with an enormous mace.  
  
Eudial looked at the ogre. Something about this one was different from the ones in hell.   
Then it struck her, the writing on his t-shirt was different. "Excuse me," She got his   
attention "But why does your shirt say HFIL?"  
  
"What this?" The ogre looked down and chuckled good naturedly "I've just finished my   
shift in the North American children's hell. They make us wear these. I think it stands for   
'home for infinite losers' or some such nonsense."  
  
"There's a children's hell? How awful! I thought all children were innocent." Sailor   
Aluminium Siren sounded genuinely appalled.  
  
The ogre shrugged. "Lady, I don't make the rules." And with that, he lumbered off.  
  
The gang waited in line for what seemed to be an eternity. Eventually they reached the   
massive desk that King Enma sat behind. "What do you have for me Pluto?" The   
enormous king of the dead asked.  
  
"I'm requesting that these four be returned to life, I've already filled out all the requisite   
forms." She handed four sheafs of paper to Enma.  
  
"Hmm..." King Enma scanned over the forms "Yes... it all seems to be in order." He   
stamped his approval on each paper. As he did, the halo's above their heads disappeared.  
  
"Thankyou Enma-sama." Sailor Pluto bowed to him before conjuring a gate with her   
staff. "If you'll follow me." She indicated her companions and stepped through.  
  
***  
  
"So where are we now?" Zoicite asked as the group appeared in a spacious but barely   
decorated living room.  
  
"This is your new home. It's on the outskirts of Tokyo. Don't worry if it seems spartan,   
you have effectively infinite money to spend on furnishing it. Just don't go too nuts   
though... I will be watching you." Pluto said warningly.  
  
"Watching us for what?" Zoicite sneered "How are you going to keep us in line? How   
are you even going to make sure we fight for -" He raised his voice several octaves and   
struck a camp pose "love and justice?"  
  
"Well, killing you is as simple as handing a form to King Enma. I have you..." Pluto   
smiled evilly and made a grasping motion "By the balls."  
  
Zoicite swallowed nervously "I understand." He said meekly.  
  
Pluto nodded "Good. Now I will explain your mission. There is no big threat to the earth   
at the moment, but I suspect one will appear shortly. Until it does, you should fight crime   
so you can get used to working with one another. I'm sure Eudial," She nodded towards   
the scientist "Could easily fashion a police scanner."  
  
Eudial drew herself up proudly "I could do that in my sleep!"  
  
Tigers Eye meekly raised a hand. Pluto's earlier 'balls' comment had him majorly   
intimidated. When she looked towards him he spoke "I have a question, why did you   
pick us four to defend the Earth? Wasn't there anyone in heaven?"  
  
Pluto had expected this question "Well, heaven is mostly filled with normal people, all   
the people with special powers tended to be supervillians and ended up in hell. As for   
why I picked you four specifically, well your skills and abilities will directly complement   
each other." 'Of course,' she thought inwardly 'Your personalities are in direct   
opposition...'  
  
"Wow I'm so happy to be fighting to protect people again!" Aluminium Siren gushed   
"You can count on us Sailor Pluto-san!"  
  
"I hope so." Pluto conjured a gate "And now I must go. Good luck... Defenders of the   
Earth!" And with that she was gone.  
  
The four looked around their bare living room, and then at each other. Slowly, wide   
grins appeared on each of their faces. "SHOPPING SPREE!!" They yelled   
simaltaneausly.  
  
***  
  
Author Notes: That's enough for the first chapter, I'll wait and see if there's actually any   
interest in this story before writing more.  
A special prize goes to the first person to identify the cartoon, film and anime that I've   
referenced in this chapter - the cartoon is a given, the anime is pretty obvious, but will   
anyone guess the film? 


	2. Chapter 2

Author Notes: Warning: Do not expect this story to make much sense. I'm really just   
doing this because I desperately need to write something funny. The other story I'm   
currently writing is just far too emotionally draining.  
  
Defenders of the Earth  
Chapter 2  
Robbery at Tokyo Central Bank!  
  
Three of our intrepid protectors of the peace were currently engrossed in an activity   
which was doing little to serve the cause of justice. They were watching The Weakest   
Link. On a 64 inch plasma TV.  
  
They had not taken Pluto's advice not to go overboard seriously.  
  
In addition to the TV, one side of the room was dominated by an enormous aquarium   
which Aluminium Siren had bought. Originally it contained several varieties of fish,   
from angel fish, to goldfish, and pirannha's, not to mention a few guppies.  
  
Now it just contained pirannha's.  
  
"Well Toby, what do you do for a living?" Anne Robinson asked the person just voted   
weakest link.  
  
"I'm a web designer Anne." Toby replied, sounding not at all perturbed to be voted off.  
  
"A web designer? And you don't know what the capital of Venezuela is?" Anne said,   
presumably trying to insult him.  
  
"Why would he you damnable harpy?!" Zoicite threw an empty pringles tube at the TV,   
but missed and hit the wall "What the hell is she trying to prove? Her insults make no   
sense!"  
  
"It's only a TV show, stop getting so worked up." Tigers Eye said blandly, knowing full   
well that protesting was useless.  
  
"I just don't understand?! She's supposed to insult these people, but she just asks what   
their job is and hmphs at them! It's even worse than that inspid 'Millionaire' program with   
his 'is that your final answer?' crap!" Zoicite thundered, he was getting on a roll now.  
  
"I like that. It makes it seem more exciting." Siren chirped, earning a death glare from   
Zoicite.  
  
"Exciting? It's just a cop out so they can stretch the show out for longer so less people can   
go on so they have to pay out less money! Why are we watching these foreign   
gameshows anyway, what's wrong with good old fashioned Japanese gameshows?"  
  
Tigers Eye sighed "You mean ones where people get scorpions stuffed down their pants   
for no logical purpose?" He downed his glass of brandy and filled it up again from the   
bottle.  
  
"Yes!" Zoicite replied, an evil gleam in his eye "Now that's entertainment!" Zoicite   
reached over and snatched the remote control from Siren. "Let's see what else is on." He   
started fumbling with the controls.  
  
First the contrast went right down. "No!" Yelled Siren.  
  
Then the screen came up completely blue with a blinking 00:00 "What are you doing   
you maniac?!" Tigers Eye shouted, trying to reach the remote.  
  
"I've almost got it!" Zoicite kept the remote out of his grasp. The blue screen disappeared   
and Zoicite turned the brightness right up on The Weakest Link.  
  
"You're doing it wrong!" Siren screeched.  
  
Zoicite continued his struggle. The blue screen returned, this time with a menu   
containing a bewildering array of options. "What the hell does this mean? Oh wait, that   
one says 'set channels'." Zoicite selected that one, bringing up a tuning bar. "Huh?" He   
had no clue what he was doing, but still continued, successfully rendering every channel   
to static. Realising that it was futile, he slumped his head and offered the remote to Siren   
"Help me please." He said meekly.  
  
Siren hmphed and swiftly restored all the channels.  
  
The trio continued watching The Weakest Link in a hostile silence. Towards the end of   
the program, a beeping began to emanate from Eudial's scanner.  
  
"Yippee, our first case!" Siren leapt from her seat and darted to the scanner. Eudial had   
constructed a wonder of technology, as the scanner searched all police and military   
frequencies, then filtered them based on certain key words. When something was deemed   
relevant, a beep would sound, and the unit would display all the pertinent data.  
  
"What's it say?" Tigers Eye leaned over Siren's shoulder.  
  
"There's a robbery at Tokyo central bank by international terrorists. They have hostages!   
This is so exciting!" Siren started hopping up and down. She was majorly hyped at their   
first job.  
  
"Well, let's go see if Eudial is finished with the car." Zoicite went to the door and was   
followed by the other two.  
  
As they ran out onto the driveway, Eudial rolled out from underneath her recently   
purchased car. It was the same model as the one she died in, but she was only just getting   
started on customising this one. "What is it?" She asked while standing up and wiping   
some grime from her forehead.  
  
"Is the car ready? There's a robbery at Tokyo Central Bank." Tigers Eye informed her.  
  
Eudial looked uncertainly at her car, then back at the others "I've souped up the engine   
and installed the armour, but I haven't put any weapons on it yet."  
  
"Good enough, lets go!" Siren spoke rapidly as she dived into the drivers seat.  
  
"Hey! I wanna drive!" Zoicite insisted, moving to yank her out.  
  
"You'd get us all killed! I'm the one who should drive!" Tigers Eye said.  
  
"What?!" Zoicite looked outraged "Just how much have you had to drink today? No way   
an alcoholic like you is driving!"  
  
Eudial coughed. "Hands up everyone who actually has a driving license?" No one else   
made any movement, so Eudial took hers out and held it up, using her thumb to cover up   
the number of penalty points.  
  
"Then it's settled then." She said, pushing Siren into the front passenger seat as she got in.  
  
The other two got in the back "So you say you souped up the engine? How fast is this   
thing?" Tigers Eye asked.  
  
"Oh it's fast!" Eudial grinned wickedly "We'll be there in no time at all." She revved the   
engine, then screamed out of the driveway and onto open road.  
  
***  
  
Twenty five minutes later.  
  
"We'll be there in no time at all." Zoicite said sarcastically.  
  
"Look," Eudial growled irritably "I can't help it if there's roadworks can I?" The plucky   
former supervillians were towards to tail end of a huge traffic jam.  
  
"Isn't there anything we can do? Those hostages are in danger!" Siren was frantic with   
unspent energy. She NEEDED to fight crime, or at least do something, she hated to get   
all worked up for nothing.  
  
Eudial sighed "I didn't have time to put any weapons in... there's only one option left, and   
I really wanted to keep this in reserve..."  
  
"Just do it! People are counting on us!" Siren encouraged her.  
  
Eudial grimaced "Okay..." She reached over and pressed a button on the steering wheel.  
  
BEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP  
  
"That was it?" Zoicite asked dumbfoundedly "You beeped the horn?"  
  
The car in front moved forwards a few centimetres. Eudial eagerly closed the gap "See, it   
DOES work!"  
  
***  
  
Sergeant O'Flaherty (AN: Yep, even in Tokyo all policemen are Irish... *blank stares   
from readers* Look, it's a Batman reference okay!) surveyed the carnage around him. It   
had been a massacre.  
  
After a standoff lasting half an hour, the chief ordered the police into the bank. They had   
killed all the terrorists, but all the hostages were dead, and the police had taken losses   
too. O'Flaherty had seen his own partner; a rookie fresh out of the academy, get riddled   
with machine gun bullets. He himself had been shot in the arm, but he considered himself   
lucky.  
  
"It's just not fair..." He looked down at the body of young Mickey O'Rourke. "You had   
so much to look forward too... it should have been me..." He sighed and closed up the   
bodybag, nodding for the coronor to wheel him into the van.  
  
He heard a screeching of tires and looked up to see a white car pull up. Four people   
stepped out and looked around at the bodybags and bloodstains. The blue haired woman   
stamped her foot a few times while the other three just shrugged. They all got back in the   
car and drove off.  
  
***  
  
"Well that was a big fat waste of time." Zoicite pouted in the back of the car.  
  
"I don't know, for our first job I think we did alright." Tigers Eye said reasonably.  
  
Eudial glared at him via the rearview mirror "In what way did we do 'alright'?" She   
hissed.  
  
Tigers Eye shrugged "We didn't kill anyone. For four former supervillians that's gotta   
count for something, right?"  
  
"We're lucky we even managed that with the witch's driving." Zoicite sneered.  
  
Eudial deigned not to respond, but made a mental note to do something horrible to   
Zoicite at a later date.  
  
Tigers Eye leaned forward to look at Siren "Are you alright Siren? You haven't said   
anything."  
  
Siren looked like she was ready to explode, her fists were clenched so tightly that the   
knuckles were white, and her face was flushed. "I am NOT alright! I need to help   
someone!" She didn't care about all the dead people back at the bank, that was in the   
past, she wanted to help someone NOW.  
  
"Well, we'll do better next time..." Eudial tried to sooth her.  
  
Siren just continued glaring straight ahead for a few moments, before suddenly shouting   
"Stop the car!!"  
  
Eudial duly slammed on the brakes (which luckily hadn't been removed by an annoying   
fangirl), and was about to ask Siren what was wrong, but only saw an empty seat. Siren   
had already left the car.  
  
The former Animamate had accosted a frail looking old lady "Do you need help crossing   
the road oba-sama?" She asked sweetly before picking the old dear up and leaping clear   
over two lanes of traffic. She set the woman down and leapt back to the parked car and   
got in. The car swiftly took off again.  
  
Poor Mrs Kaede dizzily tried to get her bearings after the disorienting experience, dimly   
becoming aware that her left arm was tingling. She promptly proved Tigers Eye wrong   
by dropping dead of a massive cardiac arrest.  
  
***  
  
Author Notes: The next chapter will be up soon, it's already partly done. Even if no one   
else cares, I think I'll continue writing this, it's therapeutic to write something that's just   
plain silly from time to time. 


	3. Chapter 3

Author Notes: Oooh am I gonna get flamed for this...  
  
Defenders of the Earth  
Chapter 3  
Clergy Catastrophe!  
  
"I fight for love and justice, and that means you!" Aluminium Siren pointed accusingly   
at Tigers Eye and scowled angrily. Then she smiled hopefully at him and asked "How   
was that?"  
  
"That was better," Tigers Eye was watching her performance with a thoughtful   
expression "You're poses really made me feel threatened, but the line was wrong, you   
said that I was love and justice. I'm supposed to be bad remember."  
  
"Oh, right!" She scratched the back of her head and giggled nervously.  
  
"Keep trying though, you're improving a lot." Tigers Eye encouraged her.  
  
"Okay, um..." Siren seemed to be considering how to try her intimidating speech this   
time around. Unbeknownst to her, Zoicite had entered the room and was watching her   
performance with barely concealed mirth.  
  
Siren nodded to herself as if she had decided what to do, then placed both hands on her   
hips and glared at Tigers Eye "Disturbing the peace that I cherish, I won't forgive you!"   
She pointed at him with her right hand, then brought it back to her left shoulder and   
pointed with the left hand "I protect the peace, and that means you!"  
  
Tigers Eye tried to hide a sigh "You did it again." He massaged his temples.  
  
"Did what?" Siren placed a finger to her lips and blinked in confusion.  
  
Zoicite meanwhile just broke into laughter "That was terrible!" He roared while slapping   
his thigh.  
  
"What?!" Siren turned round to glare at him "I'd like to see you do better!"  
  
Zoicite waved her away while he was still creased up in mirth "Improving on that would   
be too easy!"  
  
"Prove it!" Siren demanded challengingly.  
  
Zoicite straightened himself up 'I'll show her!' he thought "Fine!"  
  
Zoicite positioned himself in the middle of the room and stretched out his arms while   
breathing heavily. 'Here goes!' he thought. "For love and justice..." He stretched his right   
arm up while bending the left at his side. Then he brought the right arm down and bent it   
while stretching the left arm out. He followed this by bringing both arms in to form a V   
in front of his chest, then mirrored his earlier movement by stretching the right arm out   
and bending the left at his side "I am Zoicite!" He yelled while extending the left arm in   
front of his face and moving his right arm so the hand was under the left armpit. Then he   
turned his body to the side and extended both arms, one in front, one behind "And I will   
punish you!" He finished, forming a V with his right arm and pointing over it with the   
left. (AN: he just copied the Sailor Moon poses)  
  
As he finished, Siren started bouncing up and down and clapping "That was incredible,   
you have to teach me that!" She looked at him with big hopeful eyes.  
  
Zoicite blanched. He hadn't meant to get so into the routine. "Er..." he tugged at his collar   
nervously, then craned his neck as if trying to listen to something "What's that Eudial?   
You want me in the lab? I'll be right there!" And with that, he darted from the room as   
fast as he could.  
  
***  
  
Eudial was indeed in her lab (she had effectively claimed the basement for herself and   
designated it as her lab) and was currently working on several weapon systems. She had   
not been allowed to take the Fire Buster mk III that she had built in hell with her from   
the afterlife, so she had to make a new one.  
  
That was already done, so now she was trying to make a new heart crystal removal gun.   
She had no intention of stealing any pure hearts, but she figured it would make an ideal   
non lethal weapon, since it took a while to die from losing a heart crystal and most   
people would be totally incapacitated by it.  
  
Sadly, as she had just remembered, the firing chamber of her old gun was filled with   
Professor Tomoe's special Daimon growing goop, which Eudial didn't have the slightest   
clue how to make.  
  
So like any good scientist, she was randomly combining chemicals which she   
remembered seeing in the professor's lab.  
  
In her defence, she was doing it methodically.  
  
She looked over the ten batches she had made so far. "Now how to test it?" She mused   
thoughtfully. She could try growing Daimon's, but that would take years. She had a way   
which would take minutes.  
  
***  
  
Zoicite was peacefully absorbed in reading his book as he relaxed in the easy chair in the   
living room.  
  
He didn't notice when Eudial entered the room and levelled her gun at him.  
  
He did notice when a thick semi-gelatinous goop spattered all over his chest. "What the   
hell are you doing woman?!" He sputtered, looking at his soiled uniform then back at the   
former Deathbuster.  
  
"Not that one..." Eudial seemed to be speaking to herself as she refilled her gun from   
another beaker, then aimed and fired at him again.  
  
Zoicite stood up and tossed his book aside after being hit again. "What is wrong with   
you? Can't I get five minutes of peace in here?!" He glared daggers at her.  
  
Eudial ignored him as she refilled the gun from beaker C. She aimed at him, but Zoicite   
dived behind the couch "Leave me alone!" He yelled from behind it.  
  
"Look it will only take a minute, and I'll clean your uniform when I'm done." Eudial   
spoke as if she were talking to a small child.  
  
Zoicite stood up from behind the couch "I don't care, just take your goop gun and-" He   
didn't finish as the gun splashed more semi-organic compounds all over him. He stared at   
Eudial in mute horror as she calmly refilled her gun "Can you even hear me?" He   
wondered aloud.  
  
Eudial didn't even respond as she fired for the fourth time. Zoicite looked down at his   
thoroughly ruined uniform, then at the woman responsible. "That does it, bitch!" He   
snarled even as Eudial readied her gun a fifth time. "Zoi!" He yelled, sending a   
destructive flurry of sakura petals at her just as she pulled the trigger.  
  
But this time, instead of firing a disgusting mass of slime, the gun fired a bolt of energy   
which slammed into his chest and knocked his heart crystal out his back.  
  
Eudial picked herself up after Zoicite's attack. "That hurt!" She griped, before looking at   
the unconscious form of Zoicite slumped over the back of the couch. Behind him, a dirty   
grey crystal hovered in the air. "Batch E it is then!" She smiled in triumph. She hadn't   
expected to get it so quickly.  
  
She walked over to Zoicite's prone form. "You just had to fall forwards and get gunk all   
over the couch didn't you?" She berated him as the slime dripped from his uniform all   
over the leather furniture. She then picked up his heart crystal. It had a distinctly clammy   
feel, not at all like any of the pure hearts she had attempted to steal in the past.   
"Figures..." She muttered to herself as she put it on his back where it was reabsorbed.  
  
A few minutes later Zoicite groggily got up. Eudial was nowhere in sight.  
  
***  
  
Later on in the evening, Sailor Aluminium Siren, Eudial and Tigers Eye were all   
watching TV. Zoicite was sulking in his room.  
  
A beeping began to emanate from Eudial's police scanner and Siren leapt from her   
armchair (no one was sitting on the couch because it hadn't been cleaned yet. Everyone   
expected that if they left it long enough then someone else would take care of it) and   
went to read the report.  
  
"What's it say?" Eudial asked.  
  
"Terrorists have kidnapped the Pope, who is on a tour of Japan." She started reading.  
  
"Holy Pontiffs Batman!" Tigers Eye yelled in a camp voice. When he didn't get the   
laughs he expected, just weird stares from both women, he apologetically held up his   
glass of martini and said "I'm very drunk..."  
  
Eudial stood up, an expression of grim determination on her face. "Lets roll!"  
  
***  
  
The Defenders of the Earth were racing along in Eudial's car to the terrorists hideout,   
which Zoicite had identified as being an abandoned warehouse at the docks by using his   
scrying powers. He had also changed into a clean uniform.  
  
Tigers Eye looked out the car window and saw an enormous structure being built on   
Doom Mountain "I wonder what they're building there." He mused.  
  
"I wonder why the changed the name from mount Fuji to Doom Mountain." Eudial   
commented.  
  
Siren looked up from the cup ramen she was slurping "I heard it was bought by an   
eccentric genius..." (AN: Can we say 'foreshadowing'?)  
  
***  
  
"Don't worry your majesty." One masked terrorist said to the Pope, who was securely   
duct-taped to a wooden chair "We'll release you just as soon as the government of Japan   
gives in to our demands."  
  
"Baka!" Another terrorist reprimanded the first "You only call the emperor 'majesty' it's   
'your highness' for the pope!"  
  
"Are you sure?" Another joined the discussion "I thought it was 'your eminenece'."  
  
"Nah." The second terrorist shook his head "That's only for cardinals and bishops."  
  
Sadly, the octogenarian Pole didn't speak Japanese, so he was unable to correct them.  
  
The terrorists were interrupted in their discussion anyway, by the arrival of a small   
canister flying in through an open window. "Say, what's that?" One of the terrorists   
prodded the canister with his rifle. It promptly exploded, filling the warehouse with thick   
smoke. At the same time, one of the walls exploded, the blast taking out two terrorists.  
  
"Who's there!" A terrorist demanded, as they all turned to the blast.  
  
Four figures were shilloueted by the impromptu entrance. They all walked into the   
warehouse with deliberate slowness. "I am Sailor Aluminium Siren!" One of them   
declared, striking an intimidating pose "I fight for love and justice, and that means you!"  
  
"What?" Asked one confused terrorist.  
  
"Oh forget it!" Eudial slapped her forehead "Get them!" She yelled, diving to the side   
and readying the Fire Buster mk III. While the first fire buster had been little more than a   
powerful flamethrower, the second used napalm to make the flames stick to the target.   
The third however, used thermite and was capable of burning through concrete. She   
squeezed the trigger and released a gout of flame which consumed five terrorists in fiery   
oblivion.  
  
Zoicite leapt high into the air, adroitly dodging a hail of bullets "Zoi!" He yelled,   
disarming two terrorists with the destructive cherry blossom.  
  
Tigers Eye squared off against one terrorist. "You're dead meat asshole!" The terrorist   
yelled, aiming his gun at Tigers Eye.  
  
"Oh Really?" Tigers Eye raised an eyebrow, then just as the terrorist was about to fire, he   
said "One!" Causing a large wooden board to appear and hit the terrorists back,   
knocking the gun from his hands. "Two!" Manacles appreared and bound his hands and   
feet. Tigers Eye decided to leave it at that, removing his dream mirror would be   
pointless.  
  
Siren raised her arms up and launched two fireballs at a terrorist, momentarily   
incapacitating him. She laughed out in triumph... until the terrorist's star seed went black   
and he transformed into Sailor Terrorist. "Aaah!! Kill it! Kill it!" She screamed as she   
ran away from the phage.  
  
Zoicite duly obliged by forming a crystal spear and launching it at the phage, impaling it   
easily.  
  
The terrorist leader (who remains nameless because... well, why bother identifying with   
them?) looked aghast as these freaks managed to decimate his team. "You still lose!" He   
snarled, getting their attention "I've rigged this warehouse! We all die!" He pushed a   
small radio detonator, starting the five second countdown.  
  
"Let's get out of here!" Eudial yelled, starting for the entrance "Siren, get the Pope!" She   
screamed, seeing the former animamate was closest.  
  
"Right!" Siren yelled back.  
  
The four protectors of peace, one with a passenger, all raced out of the warehouse in the   
nick of time, being slammed to the ground by the concussive force of the blast as the   
warehouse exploded, sending shrapnel everywhere.  
  
"I can't believe we did it!" Tigers Eye grinned as they picked themselves up "Our first   
success against evil!"  
  
"How's the Pope" Zoicite asked Siren while nursing a bruise on his kidney he recieved in   
the blast.  
  
"He's fine!" Siren allowed the stray puppy she had grabbed to lick her face "And just the   
cutest little pope ever, yes you are!" She cooed.  
  
Eudial looked at Siren, a terrible sinking feeling in her stomach "What is that?" She   
asked, knowing for sure that the answer would not make her happy.  
  
"He's the pope silly! I rescued him from those mean old terrorists didn't I?" She giggled   
as the puppy licked her nose.  
  
Zoicite quivered with rage. "The pope was the guy in the hat!" He yelled, incandescent   
with rage "The tied up guy in the hat!"  
  
Siren abruptly stopped her playing with the puppy "What?" She said, a note of panic in   
her voice "But I thought... since the puppy was next to the terrorist leader then it was the   
hostage... I don't even know what a pope is..." She stammered defensively.  
  
The quartet all looked at the gutted ruins of the warehouse. The head of the Roman   
Catholic church would be a lot closer to God now. Suddenly their heads snapped round   
as they became aware of police sirens in the distance. Getting closer.  
  
"Run!" Tigers Eye yelled, bolting for the car, the others close behind.  
  
***  
  
Author Notes: I'm going to hell aren't I? Even if not, the flames will make it seem like   
hell. But come on, 'Holy Pontiffs Batman!', ain't no way I was passing that line up. 


End file.
